Minorwood by Foxymoron

 The heading above appeared in a bridge crossword once with the clue: Enquiry from two clubs? (9). Its more profane meaning appeared in the Private Eye crossword once, and readers can establish that from the online Urban Dictionary.

Minorwood is normally a space-saving device which allows you to ask for key cards at a lower level, letting you explore the hand more fully. I think you need to define exactly when 4C/4D is Minorwood, and this will do for a starter:

a) When a natural and forcing 2C/2D is raised to 4C/4D without the opponents bidding

b) When 3NT is pulled to 4C/4D after that suit has been bid naturally

c) When a natural and forcing 3C/3D is raised to 4C/4D

d) When there is a jump preference to 4C/4D when that suit has been bid naturally

Prior to tonight, we did not have d) in our bag of clubs, but it would have been useful today:

The auction started well, until I tried to keep it simple with a ridiculous jump to 6C.  One problem was that 2D, which was a reverse on this hand, was artificial (although my partner seems to have forgotten to alert it). 2H asked and 2NT showed a genuine reverse with a heart stop. Now, I think that 3C and 3D are non-forcing, as you have to do something with a 5-count with 3 clubs or 4 diamonds. I can bid 3H, fourth-suit, and then pull 3NT to 4C. I can also jump to 4C now. One of these should be Minorwood and the other one not, but we had not discussed any of this of course! In the end I just settled for 6C, which scored well below average, as 6NT has 12 top tricks, and makes 13 rather luckily because West gets squeezed in the pointed suits.

Nobody bid and made 7NT, of course, so self-kibitzing has not yet infiltrated the Woodberry Pairs game. How should the auction go? I think 4C immediately should be Minorwood. North bids 4NT which shows 2 key cards and the queen of clubs. Now 5D by South promises all the key-cards and asks for specific kings, and North shows the king of diamonds with 6D. South doesn't know yet about the red queens, but can now make a grand-slam try with 6H, prepared to play 6NT or 7C, and North has an easy 7C bid. It is a lot easier with hindsight, however, and I made a bit of a pig's ear of the hand. The origin of this expression, which derives from making a silk purse out of a sow's ear, goes back a long way:

The English clergyman Stephen Gosson published the romantic story Ephemerides in 1579 and in it referred to people who were engaged in a hopeless task: "Seekinge too make a silke purse of a Sowes eare."